What is this?
We have enough dildos of our own in Portland and we’re tired of “alt-right” groups based in Clark County coming down to Portland on a regular basis for the sole purpose of trolling, fighting, and to advance their weird agenda. They’re a bunch of dildos. We are marching through the streets of downtown Vancouver to politely ask Washington residents to STOP SENDING DILDOS TO PORTLAND!© And to sample some better-than-average beer.
When and Where?
How about we start and stop at the gazebo in Esther Short Park on Saturday, October 27th. It’s near West 6th and Columbia in downtown Vancouver. We’ll start at 2pm, march north on Columbia to the Tap Union Freehouse to regroup and have a few beers, and then march south on Washington back to Esther Short Park. Maybe we’ll stop by Old Ivy Taproom, Trusty Brewing, Loowit Brewing, and Beerded Brothers Brewing—but NOT Heathen. They know why. I guess it all depends on how many people show up! I guess it would be nice if we got back to Esther Short Park around 5pm or so.
Do you have a permit?
No. Unlike Patriot Prayer et. al., the plan is to stay on the sidewalk, obey all traffic laws, and to not beat anybody up. We might adorn a few telephone wires with dildos, but that’s the extent of our shenanigans.
I’m in! What should I bring?
Well, dildos for sure. Maybe a $2 Halloween mask just for shits and giggles. Bring some cash for some beers. You could make a protest sign too. Mine’s going to say something like, “STOP SENDING DILDOS TO PORTLAND!© ” You’re probably more creative than I am so go nuts.
Is this a serious protest?
Kind of? It’s really an excuse to have a little fun with our good neighbors in Vancouver, be a little silly, and throw some dildos around. And who knows? You just might learn something along the way.
What if Antifa or the Proud Boys show up and turn it into a brawl?
If that happens my plan is to hole up in a brewery until everything blows over. The goal of this march is fun, not violence. Although I really would like Vancouver to STOP SENDING DILDOS TO PORTLAND!© , I also have a job and kids so I don’t want to get stabbed with an oversized confederate flag or anything.
What if just the Proud Boys show up and start shooting at us from the roof tops?
Again, probably best to hole up in a brewery. That’s actually my answer to a lot of questions. It’s like asking, “What if I run my wife’s Le Creuset cast iron skillet through the dishwasher?” Hole up in a brewery, my friend.
I don’t have a dildo. Where can I find one?
You can buy one on amazon or pinkcherry. Or better yet, shop locally and go to She Bop!
I live in Vancouver. Can I come?
Please do! We’re not marching against the people of Vancouver, we are here to say STOP SENDING DILDOS TO PORTLAND!© It’s not about Washington vs. Oregon or democrat vs. republican. It’s mostly about dildos, and how we would like them to stop coming to Portland.
Okay, this sounds great. What do I do?
Just show up at Esther Short Park around 2pm on Saturday, October 27th—rain or shine. We’ll march for a bit, drink some beers, maybe throw some dildos around, drink some more beer, and then end up at the gazebo at Esther Short Park when it’s all over.
Is there really going to be a parakeet race at the end?
That all depends on if Tyler shows up.
Route map
